Small Update 002

So it’s been six weeks since my last confession. Post. Same thing.

I was in a downward spiral for part of it.

Then the last couple of weeks have been utter lunacy. My son had sudden seizures, which revealed themselves to be febrile, i.e. from a fever, though the seizures happened first. Upon returning from a day in and out of the emergency room, our whole family came down with fevers and horrible viral-type symptoms that are only now letting up.

I can almost see the light again. Almost. The way I see it, it’s not good to miss six weeks, but six weeks of absence is far far better than sixty, or six¬†years of the same.

So let’s talk.

I’ve had difficulty with the Live Your Legend prompts all along. It’s difficult to talk about things I’m proud of when pride is something I have difficulty finding. My difficulties with pride are indicative of my general difficulties.

The post after pride was supposed to be my “elevator pitch.” I may get to it eventually, but every time I’ve tried, I’ve found myself desperately frustrated.

So what do you do?

Nothing.

Most sincerely.

I sleep during the day. I watch television and the baby monitor at night. Especially in post-hospitalization weeks. It’s too terrifying to have no eyes on him at all, and it only makes sense for me to sacrifice my daylight to be the one making sure my child is always watched, no matter what.

But the problem is less that I don’t do anything and more that I don’t know what I want to do.

What do you do?

What should I do?

What can I do?

What would I like to do?

I’ve reviewed lots of television here, and I’ve watched a lot more that I have thoughts on that I could share, but I’m not sure I want to invest a lot of energy in this. For me, the television reviews are just prompts. I want to talk, but I don’t know what to talk about, but I know I’ll be able to say something more than nothing if I use television. I don’t love television. I love story, and television has lots of story, but to try and stake my claim as a reviewer? I don’t think that’s something I want. It’s something I could do. It’s something I’m capable of, but I’m capable of a lot of things.

That’s not something everyone can say. That’s not something everyone in my position can recognize. I am capable of a great deal of things. My problem is I have no idea what I really want to do. I like to draw. When I put my energy into artwork, and I find flow, it’s an incredibly rewarding experience. Should I try to find that place regularly? I don’t know. Something about it just doesn’t seem me. I like cross-stitch. I could put energy there. I could find a niche and make a tiny sort of business out of it. I like reading. I could review more seriously. I like video games. I could review those, too. I like a lot of things, but there’s nothing I love with the sort of passion that makes it obvious that I should send my energy in that direction to the exclusion of other things.

I also don’t really have much energy. At all. This comes up frequently in therapy. Making it from one day to the next is usually the best that I can do. I regularly sleep more than ten hours out of every twenty-four.

Lately, I’ve been considering streaming the games I play. I fear I don’t have the personality to make such a thing successful. However, the concept has distinct possibilities, while my current state of inaction has absolutely none.

So what if someone asked me what I do right now?

I would probably answer “stay-at-home mom,” because unlike some moms, I would find that a point of pride. Unfortunately, I really don’t mom. I sleep. His father and grandparents do the mom stuff.

I could mom. I could possibly even get excited about it. Maybe I should do that? Maybe that would be best? Maybe I should write multiple elevator pitches envisioning several possible futures in which I have the energy to do any one given thing.

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